Once upon a time there was a guy who “had it all” and was “king of the world”…..or so he thought!
This very arrogant chap lived on the most expensive block of the most expensive neighborhood of New York City. The city where dreams come true!
Dreams did come true! In hindsight, they were bad dreams of “How not to live life”, taking control of a very nice young man with wide eyes, and a grand future in front of himself. There was fabulous black tie gala’s, partying with models and the so called “fabulous people” until the early hours of the morning. Elaborate diners out every night were paid for with the sound of a platinum Black Amex Card and the giggles of some brainless twit who was just fed like a back-street whore who didn’t make enough for lunch on her morning shift. The alcohol flowed freely and paying for a $20 dirty martini which was put on a tab, and downed without the slightest flinch followed by 3 or 4 more ordered! 
This young chaps clothes were all designer made in Italy, freshly polished shoes was mandatory, and shirts never worn more than once before laundering was the way of normal life. His vehicle was a Range Rover, replaced every 2 years with a new one, and his parking garage cost more than most people’s apartments cost or a persons yearly income in many parts of the world. Trips across the country in First Class were a monthly thing, with town cars, the best hotels, and tipping door men and maitre d’s made him feel powerful. It was a life of over-excess, over-indulging, and thinking of himself in a ways only to justify what was ultimately a self-destructing life.
That guy was me!
What happened next was the snowball that had been rolling down the deep snowed mountain for a very long time had finally reached the valley floor. As everyone knows, temperatures in the valley are never as cold as higher up on the mountainside. My snowball began to melt. Like in Frosty the Snowman, first my button nose broke off, then my eyes made out of coal fell out, and finally I could no longer support the weight of my corn cob pipe! I lost it all!
The apartment was gone, the black card was gone, the fancy dinners were no longer, the models were gone, no longer were my shoes polished, and even the giggling hungry floozies wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I was all alone.
The next 5 years and 5 days had me bouncing from city to city. It started out with paying for a new apartment rental that was half of what I was paying in New York City. The next year it was half of that, and a new city. The following years rent was again, half once more of the previous place and on it went like that for years. Until finally I was homeless living with family and depending on a family members Social Security check to feed me. (Note: You are not “homeless” when living with family….in fact you are “Home”!). I only came to realize this in the last 8 weeks.
For 5 years and 5 days, I prayed to God to die each and every night. “Dear God please take me, I have no purpose here and someone else is much more deserving to be on this Earth than I”, I’d say quietly to myself in bed.
For 5 years and 5 days, I attempted a slow self-suicide by eating and drinking myself into a “Pitiful” person. Thanks to my sister for voicing this out-loud one day by the way. While I didn’t appreciate the insult, in hindsight, it was true. I was a pitiful person….285 lbs, black-out drunk every night, binge eating in a drunken stupor, so fat I couldn’t reach my ass to wipe it or tie my shoes.
For 5 years and 5 days, I wore the same 2 pair of jeans, the same 3 black t-shirts, the same pairs of 4 boxers that had become ripped in multiple directions from years of not being able to afford to buy new ones. Food, gas, shelter came first.
For 5 years and 5 days, I wore the same pair of Nike running shoes. I had purchased these shoes at the Nike flagship store in NYC some years earlier even though I really didn’t need them. They cost about $150 and just sat in my closet. The shoes after 5 years, had holes in them by this time, and were worn thin and very dirty looking. The soles had given way to cracks that let the water in when it rained. My grandfather once said, you can tell everything you need to know about a man by looking at his shoes. Mine were the shoes of a Pitiful person.
For 5 years and 5 days, I existed. Nothing more. I did not count in this world or to myself. I wanted to die.
As with every fairytale, there is a turning point or crossroads where the hero has to make a choice. It is not a choice that anyone can make for the hero of the story. It is not a choice the hero can make on his own because it is not actually a choice at all. It has to come from within the heart, not the mind. It just happens when you are truly ready. I woke up one day and didn’t buy that new bottle of gut-rot Vodka. I don’t know why not on that day. I woke up one day and didn’t want to gorge myself with food. Oh believe me, the inner voice each day of the last few years said, STOP, but I could not. Each morning I woke up alive and was disappointed God did not take me in the night. I don’t know why that day was different. It just happened. I woke up alive, having not been taken by God in the night, and I wanted to be alive. I didn’t want to be that pitiful person for one day longer!
On the other side of Hell is a new guy….a new me! The 5 years and 5 day journey was a rough one.
I have not had a drop of alcohol in my body since the day before Thanksgiving Day, November 2012. Unless you count the 48 hours it takes to clear your blood system, then I suppose it’s been since the 3’rd day after Thanksgiving! HA!
Since the day after Thanksgiving, November 2012 I implemented an eating plan which consists of eating only things that a person can kill, grow, or dig for. Which means, meat and fish, leafy or root vegetables, and lots of water. Anything that is man made is off limits! In almost 2 months I have lost 26 lbs!
This is me today. 26lbs down, 60lbs more to go to reach my goal of 200lbs. Today I was at 259lbs, and god willing I will be at 258 1/2 lbs tomorrow morning. I think I look pretty good for almost being a dead person just 8 weeks ago!
After so many, many years of struggling to afford even the most basic of life’s needs, aka food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, I received word this morning that I’m about to get something that I’ve worked hard for the last month! It will produce enough money so I can afford to not have to worry about if I can afford to eat tonight as was the case for the last 5 years.
It is in the last 5 years and 5 days I have discovered who I really am. It is in this time of despair, my time of despair that I discovered and learned so much about people, life, and what’s important.
I’m going help others who are asking God to die, because I’ve been there. Unless you’ve gone to hell and come back, you can never know about how truly beautiful being alive can be.
Thank you God for not taking me! Perhaps prayers do come true! Just not always how we pray for them, but rather in a way that nudges us towards what our true destiny is.
EZ
Tags: addiction, alcohol, bullying, city of dreams, dating hookers, dealing with alcohol, Death, destiny, diet, diets that work, EARTHZEBRA, eating raw, fair weather friends, feeders, girls, girls of Manhattan, Giving Up, god, god please kill me, gods, golddiggers, Happy, Heaven, helping people, homeless, Hope, how to get off alcohol, loss of faith, Love, needing help, nobody cares, NYC, overcoming, part time hookers, pitiful, please die, praying for death, prostitutes, sad, secretly a hooker, secrets, self suicide, SEX, success story, Suicide, waiting to die, wanting to die
