Tag Archives: Death

5 Years and 5 Days! On the Other Side of HELL!

20 Jan

Pigeon King of the WorldOnce upon a time there was a guy who “had it all” and was “king of the world”…..or so he thought!

This very arrogant chap lived on the most expensive block of the most expensive neighborhood of New York City. The city where dreams come true!

Dreams did come true! In hindsight, they were bad dreams of “How not to live life”, taking control of a very nice young man with wide eyes, and a grand future in front of himself. There was fabulous black tie gala’s, partying with models and the so called “fabulous people” until the early hours of the morning. Elaborate diners out every night were paid for with the sound of a platinum Black Amex Card and the giggles of some brainless twit who was just fed like a back-street whore who didn’t make enough for lunch on her morning shift. The alcohol flowed freely and paying for a $20 dirty martini which was put on a tab, and downed without the slightest flinch followed by 3 or 4 more ordered! Man In The MirrorThis young chaps clothes were all designer made in Italy, freshly polished shoes was mandatory, and shirts never worn more than once before laundering was the way of normal life. His vehicle was a Range Rover, replaced every 2 years with a new one, and his parking garage cost more than most people’s apartments cost or a persons yearly income in many parts of the world. Trips across the country in First Class were a monthly thing, with town cars, the best hotels, and tipping door men and maitre d’s made him feel powerful. It was a life of over-excess, over-indulging, and thinking of himself in a ways only to justify what was ultimately a self-destructing life.

That guy was me!

What happened next was the snowball that had been rolling down the deep snowed mountain for a very long time had finally reached the valley floor. As everyone knows, temperatures in the valley are never as cold as higher up on the mountainside. My snowball began to melt. Like in Frosty the Snowman, first my button nose broke off, then my eyes made out of coal fell out, and finally I could no longer support the weight of my corn cob pipe! I lost it all!

Fair Weather Friend HorseThe apartment was gone, the black card was gone, the fancy dinners were no longer, the models were gone, no longer were my shoes polished, and even the giggling hungry floozies wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I was all alone.

The next 5 years and 5 days had me bouncing from city to city. It started out with paying for a new apartment rental that was half of what I was paying in New York City. The next year it was half of that, and a new city. The following years rent was again, half once more of the previous place and on it went like that for years. Until finally I was homeless living with family and depending on a family members Social Security check to feed me. (Note: You are not “homeless” when living with family….in fact you are “Home”!). I only came to realize this in the last 8 weeks.

God Kill Me PleaseFor 5 years and 5 days, I prayed to God to die each and every night. “Dear God please take me, I have no purpose here and someone else is much more deserving to be on this Earth than I”, I’d say quietly to myself in bed.

For 5 years and 5 days, I attempted a slow self-suicide by eating and drinking myself into a “Pitiful” person. Thanks to my sister for voicing this out-loud one day by the way. While I didn’t appreciate the insult, in hindsight, it was true. I was a pitiful person….285 lbs, black-out drunk every night, binge eating in a drunken stupor, so fat I couldn’t reach my ass to wipe it or tie my shoes.

For 5 years and 5 days, I wore the same 2 pair of jeans, the same 3 black t-shirts, the same pairs of 4 boxers that had become ripped in multiple directions from years of not being able to afford to buy new ones. Food, gas, shelter came first.

For 5 years and 5 days, I wore the same pair of Nike running shoes. I had purchased these shoes at the Nike flagship store in NYC some years earlier even though I really didn’t need them. They cost about $150 and just sat in my closet. The shoes after 5 years, had holes in them by this time, and were worn thin and very dirty looking. The soles had given way to cracks that let the water in when it rained. My grandfather once said, you can tell everything you need to know about a man by looking at his shoes. Mine were the shoes of a Pitiful person.

For 5 years and 5 days, I existed. Nothing more. I did not count in this world or to myself. I wanted to die.

Man of LedgeAs with every fairytale, there is a turning point or crossroads where the hero has to make a choice. It is not a choice that anyone can make for the hero of the story. It is not a choice the hero can make on his own because it is not actually a choice at all. It has to come from within the heart, not the mind. It just happens when you are truly ready. I woke up one day and didn’t buy that new bottle of gut-rot Vodka. I don’t know why not on that day. I woke up one day and didn’t want to gorge myself with food. Oh believe me, the inner voice each day of the last few years said, STOP, but I could not. Each morning I woke up alive and was disappointed God did not take me in the night. I don’t know why that day was different. It just happened. I woke up alive, having not been taken by God in the night, and I wanted to be alive. I didn’t want to be that pitiful person for one day longer!

On the other side of Hell is a new guy….a new me! The 5 years and 5 day journey was a rough one.

I have not had a drop of alcohol in my body since the day before Thanksgiving Day, November 2012. Unless you count the 48 hours it takes to clear your blood system, then I suppose it’s been since the 3’rd day after Thanksgiving! HA!

Since the day after Thanksgiving, November 2012 I implemented an eating plan which consists of eating only things that a person can kill, grow, or dig for. Which means, meat and fish, leafy or root vegetables, and lots of water. Anything that is man made is off limits! In almost 2 months I have lost 26 lbs!

This is me today. 26lbs down, 60lbs more to go to reach my goal of 200lbs. Today I was at 259lbs, and god willing I will be at 258 1/2 lbs tomorrow morning. I think I look pretty good for almost being a dead person just 8 weeks ago!

After so many, many years of struggling to afford even the most basic of life’s needs, aka food, shelter, clothing, healthcare, I received word this morning that I’m about to get something that I’ve worked hard for the last month! It will produce enough money so I can afford to not have to worry about if I can afford to eat tonight as was the case for the last 5 years.

It is in the last 5 years and 5 days I have discovered who I really am. It is in this time of despair, my time of despair that I discovered and learned so much about people, life, and what’s important.

What is HappyI’m going help others who are asking God to die, because I’ve been there. Unless you’ve gone to hell and come back, you can never know about how truly beautiful being alive can be.

Thank you God for not taking me! Perhaps prayers do come true! Just not always how we pray for them, but rather in a way that nudges us towards what our true destiny is.

EZ

I Was Once A Great Warrior! Superhero and Problem Solver to All!

21 May

I was once a great warrior! The problem with taking a warrior out of the war is that he is lost.

For as long as I can remember I was great in intense situations. Always the one who stepped up to take on the crises, the danger, the bully, the out of body situation, with a clear head and decisive action! I was good! I was the soldier, the leader who could identify “in slow motion” what was needed and decisively direct others and act myself in a swift way to a positive calm outcome!

I was a warrior! Superhero!

And with the few of us in life who have that metal edge, when moments of being not needed to save the world, called into action, “downtime”!…….we lose our edge! We fall into depression and self destruction. We isolate ourselves, for our former warrior lifestyle was fed by directing others to solve the task at hand, the crisis.

Without the crisis we are very disappointed in humanity. People are weak. People suck.

‘Rambo First Blood’ was all about this. “Back there I used to be responsible for dozens of the best men, and million dollar machinery, back here I am nothing”!

‘Apocalypse Now’, when Martin Sheen was drunk in his dirty little bedroom, and his higher ups came to find him is another good example of a warrior in down time!

‘Patton’, when George C. Scott said, “I’d be proud to lead you guys in battle, anytime, anywhere”!

I don’t have any “larger than life” media type credentials in my past which would distinguish me to someone who does not know me as a warrior, and someone who has “the edge” in life. Other than those that knew me and relied on me to solve their life problems. I was an athlete in High School and College and always won the game with a winning home run or winning sack of the quarterback. I was the one who people pulled into the bathroom at parties for me to solve some issue. I was the one when fights were about to break out would step in and take on or diffuse the aggressor no matter his size or the situation. After college I entered the business world, and I was always the one to tackle the largest, most stressful crisis or most difficult customer. I did the dirty work that no one else wanted to do. In life, I have been the one given the task to tell others their family member died. I have been the one to tell girlfriends and boyfriends, husbands and wives, their significant other doesn’t want them anymore. I have called CEO’s out of the blue and crashed Presidential candidate meetings and had discussions with world leaders and policy advisers of Israel and other middle eastern countries leaders. I have dated super-models, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition models, Ambassadors daughters, Kings granddaughters, Senators daughters, Professional sports legends daughters, and have lived life like few others!

It has been some time since I was in the “war”, and able to be me! Not a military war, but the war of life. It is like I was captured by the enemy and the enemy has kept me in solitary confinement!

There is no conclusion to the blog post as the journey is not over which only comes in death. Maybe a “war” will rear it’s ugly head and I’ll be called back in action! I can only wish not! For, I believe in the good. The good in people and all humanity. But, I know differently. People are bad for the most part. I wish it were different. Those that have, want more. Those that have not, want more. It is a very ugly want, take, want, take world. I don’t want to be part of it. But I am!

“A man with no purpose, is a man waiting to die” ~ Earth Zebra

I was once a great warrior!

Casey Anthony Trial – I’M NOT GUILTY! In her own words!

20 May

“My name is Casey Anthony. I am writing this from jail without the knowledge of my attorneys. Today is the weekend of of May 21’st, 2011. My trial is in the middle of jury selection and my trial is scheduled to start next week.”

“It is extremely painful for me to write this true account of what happened to my dear Caylee but I feel I must set the record straight as only I can do! It is time that the truth be known and the world know what happened. I am not a murderer, a monster, a psychopath, as most in the media, law enforcement, and our legal system has tried to portrait me!”

THE FOLLOWING AND ABOVE IS AN ACCOUNT OF ONE POSSIBLE VERSION OF WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE CASEY ANTHONY TRIAL OF THE DEATH OF HER 2 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER CAYLEE ANTHONY!

THIS ACCOUNT IS PURELY FICTIONAL AND WRITTEN ONLY TO CREATE DIALOGUE IN THE HOPE OF FINDING THE TRUTH OF WHAT HAPPENED!

I HAVE WRITTEN THIS BLOG POST IN, FIRST PERSON NARRATIVE, IN CASEY ANTHONY’S VOICE, AS I SEE WHAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED, IN HER OWN WORDS!
________________________

Hi Everyone,

My name is Casey Anthony. I am writing this from jail without the knowledge of my attorneys. Today is the weekend of of May 21’st, 2011. My trial is in the middle of jury selection and my trial is scheduled to start next week.

I am accused of killing my 2 year old daughter, the love of my life and my everything.

It is extremely painful for me to write this true account of what happened to my dear Caylee but I feel I must set the record straight as only I can do! It is time that the truth be known and the world know what happened. I am not a murderer, a monster, a psychopath, as most in the media, law enforcement, and our legal system has tried to portrait me!

I am the victim of abusive parents resulting in very, very poor judgment on my part.

So, first off, I am very very sorry for everyone that I have caused hurt to effecting their lives. Oh god, if I could go back and and make better decisions at that time, I would! Believe me, I am not afraid to be sentenced to death if only to make up for hurting others. I did not kill my child. However, I did kill all those I love by my poor choices, my family, my friends, and so many others in that have come into my life in the last few years, and recently that I owe so much gratitude and sorriness too! I am sorry!

Ok, where to start…….I did not kill my daughter, Caylee Anthony! I loved my daughter more than anything in the world and would never hurt her in any way! I was her momma! Her protector! She was my everything, regardless of how the media has portrayed me……..it is not true! I love, and loved my daughter, (god rest her soul)!

I grew up in a very suffocating home environment. From my earliest memories my mother always was there to be the amazing mom and family leader. She took care of everything in the home. A rock. A pillar of strength and someone that I so wanted to be like when I grew up. My mom is my hero! If only in life I could have grown up with her wisdom, knowing what to do, her strength, 6’th sense and intuition. But I did not. Mom always had a way of knowing what to do. Mom always had and has some sort of mystic powers to always come out on top! I am not her. This pains me greatly for, for all of my life I have tried to make her proud of me! Every child in life wants nothing else but to make their parents proud of them. Especially the dominant parent! I love my mom. I love my mom! But, in her love for our family she suffocated me in my developmental process! I never was given the chance to fail! Everything was done for me! A moms love which I so love her for, but it did not give me the mental, growing, maturity that most have in life. I was protected, decisions made for me, and never allowed to grow into my own person!

People say, I am a 20 something adult , but I am not! I am still the 16 year old girl wanting desperately to find my own self! However, I can not! My mother has controlled my entire life, and she will continue to control my entire life as I will always seek her approval. Even from jail.. I was never given the chance to develop into my own self! I am a prisoner to my mom!

So, now I have committed some crime they say! No, I did not! I loved my daughter! This hurts me so much, and to talk to my mom about what happened was impossible for me to do! Telling her what happened would hurt me so much and this is why I could not do it and so I tried to hide Caylee’s death! I just couldn’t deal with it! The shame of failing, again, in my mothers eyes! Oh the shame and disappointment in her eyes…again!

I am not going to say how my dear Caylee died, my love and daughter as we are in trial, but will say it was an accident. She died of an accident! Things happen to kids that are out of our control. How many kids run behind the car and get hit! How many kids get under the sink and drink something they should not! How many kids drown in the pool, a bucket, or even suffocate on a bag or somehow get entangled in a cord. Why does everyone automatically assume I killed my child! I did not! It was an accident that yes, as a mother I should have been there to keep her safe, but I was not. All mothers know that you can’t 100% of the time have your kids in your arms! Kids will be kids and run around. My dear Caylee died from a very common household accident that occur almost daily to all mothers and fathers. The exact manner of her death doesn’t matter. She is dead!

When I found Caylee dead, I was in shock! My baby was dead and I didn’t know what to do! The pain was unbearable to me. No one understands this. Mom doesn’t understand as I could not tell her what happened. It was an accident but she’d blame me! Once again! So, I just sat there and cried. Everyone will blame me for this, I thought to myself, so I did nothing.

I wrapped Caylee’s body up in a blanket and for a few days I did not leave the apartment, holding her, and crying. I was beside myself and not thinking clearly. What was I going to do? Oh god, help me!

Over the next month I tried to live life as though nothing happened. I had to go out in public and act as though everything was normal. At a certain point deterioration of Caylee’s body started and I had to move her to the truck of my car. I had no where else to put her as the smell was getting strong. My plan was to find a pretty place to bury her, but as people started to notice that Caylee was not around I decided that I would have to fake a kidnapping. This is the point where everything started happening so quick that I couldn’t keep track of what I told to who. I could see this was going to be a problem. So, I took some tape and make it look like a kidnapping. I put her in a trash bag and dumped her in the woods to appear like someone took her. I do not know how the meter reader gentleman, Roy Kronk, knew where she was. He must have seen me because it is not a coincidence that he knew where Caylee’s body was.

I am very sorry for just not telling everyone that she died of an accident but I could not face my mother’s disappointment in me.

George is abusive to my mom Cindy, especially when it comes to me! He resents that he had to be a part of Caylee’s life. But my mom defends me with him, as she is my mom and will always be on my side. George is an alcoholic. Former law enforcement officer. Mom is strong but with him is weak. So she gets pressure from him about me and she can be mean to me. I understand this now in hind-site. George was giving my mom sh*t about them taking care of Caylee and me being irresponsible in his opinion. He never did really like me. I never really did like him. So mom was in the middle! I needed help from mom with baby care things as I could not afford myself and Caylee. Our apartment had rent due each month, food, and all that goes into being an independent woman and mother.

So that is the background of my life and what happened. I never really got a chance to develop into a woman or person to make my own decisions. My mom married a very controlling person, which gave her constant grief in her relationship with me. He said, I should be cut off, but mom loved me. Mom and my relationship was always very stressed as I was never good enough in her eyes.

I am crying as I write this now, because I tried so hard to be a great mother to Caylee. I was a great mother to Caylee! So, to all of you who listen to all the news media that I abandoned my daughter, I am not a bad mother! My mom was so critical of me. Everything I did was wrong. I was a bad mother, no matter what in my mom’s eyes. No matter what I did was wrong in her eyes. I think this is the greatest factor in what happened after Caylee’s death.

George tried to kill himself. I want to feel responsible for this but can not. I love my mom. I support my mom even though her love figures into this. But this whole awfulness is my responsibility. I have accepted this.

So, no more words, my lawyers will hate me for this post…but I needed to say what happened!

I know I will be in jail forever, but I should not be. It was an accident. My Caylee is gone and so I give up. My family is gone. Everyone hates me. It is okay, I am numb!

Sincerely,

Casey