Archive | November, 2013

I am a Moron and Can’t Help It!

28 Nov

Who am I?  Who am I?  I can’t remember which movie I saw that in but it was a good scene.  The actor kept repeating it, who am I, who am I, in different voice tones as if one of them would stick and he’d suddenly realize who he is.  I remember, it was ‘The Breakfast Club’, great movie!

I am typing this after another bad experience.   After-all, “you speak too much” she told me!  UGG, dagger through heart!   I suppose that is the reason why I’m not married.  I’ve dated some amazing women in my life, go me!…but my biggest flaw and such a turn-off to women is when a guy holds his heart out too soon to a woman.  Everyone likes the chase.  Everyone likes to feel like they conquered their prey!  Society has told us that “hard to get” makes for a better person to be with.  
Well, not so!  It’s funny, the girls that I have dated that I wasn’t really into all that much are the longest relationships I have had.  I treated them like shit and they kept coming back and back.  But when I really like someone and all those chemical reactions started racing through my body, I always destroyed those possible relationships by being a complete and total needy loser!  Darn chemical reactions!
My longest relationships with those that I was very much into was when I was dating several of “them” all at the same time.  I physically just couldn’t keep up with each of the girls.  This made for a good buffer from my chemical reactions, otherwise they would have imploded too.   When I finally settled on just one, it imploded a few months after.   It IS possible to love too much!   
I think something is wrong with me physically inside.  This is not a normal response to being into someone, is it?  
I just hope that I can meet someone with the same chemical reaction that I have for them, they have for me.   My god, the sex would be nuclear!  
I will keep trying.  But I’m not getting any  younger and am getting a little concerned I’ll be alone forever and never have kids.  Very sad.

Man Up!

8 Nov

My Dad’s death has been an unbelievable range of emotions for me! My emotions have been… Stay strong. Cry. Stay strong. Cry.

I have an outlet in this blog, that my other family members don’t have. When writing my blog a few days ago about my dad dying I was completely in tears all the way through. It was the release that I needed and I am at peace with dad and his passing. Then I became angry. Angry at dad, angry at his wife. Angry at the doctors. Angry at my siblings.

This has passed as well and I am at peace once again. I wonder how long this phase of peace will last?!

A memorial is now planned and at first I said, I’m not going! But, that was just not wanting to accept the facts of life as they are and my dad is gone and all the things I should have done with him.

We all die at some point and I’m miss you dad. I will come to the memorial.

My Dad Died Today! I miss you Dad!

4 Nov

My Dad passed away today! It feels like a gut punch and I can’t seem to catch my breath today. It’s the worst feeling EVER!

I always knew this day would come. It does for all of us! Funny, I expected to have a mental reaction but not a physical one! My body feels numb. My stomach is wrenched up into a knot and I want to puke! I am not hungry. My head feels numb. My brain feels numb. My heart is heavy! I feel a welling up of a gallon of tears gathering strength but not able to be released yet. After-all, men are suppose to be strong, right Dad?! You taught me how to be strong and how to be man and I thank you for this!

I didn’t expect to have this reaction. Not that I didn’t love the man who brought me into this world and taught me how to make a parachute that an impressionable boy throws up into the air with a little army man tied to the bottom, made out of a grocery store clear vegetable bag with some string & tape….for I did immeasurably! It’s just that he taught me to be a strong man, independent, and not to show vulnerability.

It was only in the last few years that we said to each other “I love you” at the end of a phone call. Something that I wish was a normal thing for us in all our life. I’m sorry that I didn’t make the time from “my busy schedule” to see you as much as I should have!

I do know that you brought 4 amazing kids into this world which have accomplished much and you taught each of us to strive, and achieve in life! We would not be all that we are, and generations in the future will be because of your mind, teachings, and strength!

I love you Dad.