Dear Person I live With Please Do Not Touch My Dinner!

7 Oct

Dear person I live with,

Please do not touch my dinner, look at my food, swipe your fork across my plate “just to have a taste for next time” or even think about MY FOOD vs YOUR FOOD as you obviously do with each meal of every day!

I realize you have what is called “Food Envy Syndrome”. It is a common disease but rarely diagnosed. I can confirm from an overwhelming nightly monumental amount of evidence that you are suffering from this affliction.

Two nights ago, you were inspecting my Subway sandwich and dumped it on the floor then tried to resurrect it as though nothing happened! Tonight you decided to put my dinner in the fridge rendering it a near cardboard plank of edibleness.

I will help you get help if you so desire. However, if you do not this current “arrangement” is not working and I’m not afraid to seek law enforcement assistance!

I know you are calculating each time you look across the table how you can take my food! I know you are planning raids on my doggie-bag leftovers when I’m not home! I can see it in your eyes how you plan to raid the kitchen in the night to take bites out of my uneaten cheeseburger! It is not mice in the fridge, it is YOU my dear sick table co-eater!

I am going to continue this living arrangement for only just so much longer I warn you, because I know you can’t help yourself with your Food Envy Syndrome! But, having said that, you should know I just took one little bite out of all your chocolate covered Oreo Cookies while you were out, that you keep in the fridge.

I’m sure it was the mice!

One Response to “Dear Person I live With Please Do Not Touch My Dinner!”

  1. virtuos and beautiful October 7, 2011 at 9:29 PM #

    This is hilarious! Food Envy Syndrome? I think that is what makes restaurants work. People envy the delicious food plates that other’s get! Like those that throw fire and sizzle letting everyone else know they made a poor choice.

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