I just left my manhood credentials (balls) on the Thanksgiving Day dinner table!

25 Nov

In a day of much stress, relatives coming to visit for Thanksgiving Day dinner today….this will be a short story/blog this time since I’m “ball-less” at the moment and need to save as much oxygen I possibly can for the rest of my girlish body!

My uncle and aunt came for Thanksgiving Dinner!

Last year, I said Grace and Carved the Turkey! Go me! I was the man that most men try to be like! But that was last year! Oh what a year can do to a person as at the moment I am pretty much Pippi Longstocking!

Last year was the first time in my life that I was “allowed”, or was a willing participant to do it! Last year, my brother, his wife and kids were the ones to visit and while I had no expectation to say Grace or carve the turkey it just happened and I excelled! I nailed it. It was a Grace full of thanks, well wishes, and flowed with the eloquence of an Alfred Hitchcock screen play. Oh shoot, maybe not a good example as, isn’t he the one who wrote the movie with the Bates Motel scary movie?

This year is different, my uncle and my aunt were here and this is not just another day! This is the first time since moving to this new area that anyone has come (or been allowed to come). My uncle is not just a normal uncle, he is a super uncle. The man that all other men are judged by. He is the ipidimy of how a growing boy should develop into a man and the model of what any male should be in life. My Uncle has long been held in great esteem as a Man among Men to be “THE MAN THAT ALL MEN SHOULD BE JUDGED BY”!

Saying Grace and carving the turkey was a great concern of mine all day in that I might be asked. For these tasks I have been taught throughout my childhood are reserved for the MEN! The head of the household! You’d think that at my age I’d be willing to accept this role without any reservation. Well, it is not that simple. I am a visitor in my own home at the moment. I am not the head of my own household.

So, as the festivities of preparing Thanksgiving dinner progressed with an Aunt and Mum running the show with me doing most of all the un-recognized actual cooking….it was offered to me to carve the turkey (granted it came from my mum with the pretext “do you think you can carve the turkey without ruining it”) question?

Well, in hind site, I should have just done it. Without any deeper analyzing and influence from deep rooted childhood insecurities! I said, I”‘d like to learn from my Uncle”. Who then proceeded to ruin it, with no dark meat. I did a much better job last year and could have excelled this year as well!

Then, it came time to say Grace and I was the last to sit down, and it was sprung upon me to do it! However, this question haunted me all day long, yes haunted!…as I really didn’t want to do it!

So, once again, regretfully now, I played it to my Uncle to do! Was this a planned out moment in time when all my family looked to me to accept a role of leadership in the family? Was this the moment in time when life would change and clarity of all things could be had? Nope! It was the moment in time when I gladly accepted my role as the youngest son of 4 and let others lead!

I asked my mum later if he did it well, and her answer was, “well, not as good as you could have done”! Awwww, the haunting continues for many years after apparently until redemption can be made!

With girlfriends in my own apartment, I usually take charge and accept the role as “Man”. It comes naturally to me. Afterall I have the goods and the instincts to accept the job. I do it and do it without any reservations. With family however, and this year with my uncle who is considered by all as the greatest man of all men, I passed and looked for his lead.

I feel bad about myself this Thanksgiving!

:(!

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